Archive for March, 2010

Remember


I can’t remember the last time someone pulled me close and kissed me.  I can’t remember the last time someone held my hand.  I can’t remember the last time someone whispered my name.  I can’t remember the last time someone looked in my eyes and smiled.  What’s wrong with me?

Advertisements

Walk Like a Man


After trying almost six weeks of trying and failing to write in the voice of a man, I’ve finally posted my newest short story, Mr. Clark’s Assistant.

Guess what guys?  As much as you say you never know what us girls are thinking, I’ve come to realize that I truly have NO IDEA what goes on in a guy’s head.  Not one little bit.

Writing from a man’s point of view is really hard and strangely unsatisfying.  I had all sorts of wicked, dirty descriptions floating around in my brain, but I kept holding back because I didn’t want the male character over-thinking things and sounding like a girl!

So I think I’ll step out of the loafers and back into my heels for a while…

Dom/sub – Update


Um, okay, I may have misspoke when I said I wanted to explore the lifestyle…oh, by the way, if you haven’t read it, here is the link to my first post on the subject: https://iammysecretself.wordpress.com/2010/03/18/domsub/

I did a little exploring online the past few days and I may have overestimated my tolerance for strange people.  Not that they all were, but…I mean, come on, being dominant doesn’t just mean you can be a super angry guy and expect that to work for you.  The sites I looked at came off as…I don’t know…creepy, scary…and not exactly sexy.

Although I did learn what a munch was…

I’m going to have to think on this some more.

Dom/sub


I’ve discovered a new side to myself… I want a taste of BDSM culture…I find it fascinating…

I don’t know if it’s because I feel so out of control of my life lately and I’m yearning for someone to take charge of me or if it’s just simple sexual frustration, but I’ve been reading everything I can get my hands about this side of sexuality.

From Wicked Ties

‘Have you ever wanted to put yourself in the hands of a man whose sole purpose is to give you pleasure?…Do you want a man to see inside you, all the way to your fantasies, the darkest ones, and make everyone of the come true?  A dominant’s most important goal is to earn his partner’s trust.  Without that how can a woman freely put herself in a man’s care and know that her well-being and safety will always be first?  How can she know her master will understand her so he can make her every wicked fantasy come true?  Trust allows a women to connect with the primitive part of her that craves utter surrender of being at her master’s mercy, despite not knowing if his plans for her involve pleasure, pain or both.  A woman chooses to give her master dominion over her body and her mind.  She surrenders her flesh and free will to do anything and everything he desires.’

Mmmm, doesn’t this sound too good to be true…I imagine (too often, it’s becoming a daily distraction!) being dominated, but how would I know if it would stay in the bedroom?  I don’t want to be perceived as weak, not just with a lover, but in my public life either.  So where is the line?   How do you choose someone who would willing give themselves to your fantasy, someone who you could trust with this secret side of yourself?  What if I grew bored or frustrated and wanted something else?  Are these positions interchangeable, could a Dominant male ever truly play a submissive to my needs?

I have someone in my life who I think would be good at being a Dom.  He seems to be able to hold himself…separate?, apart?, aloof?… I don’t think those are quite the right words…from a situation.  I think he would be good at giving discipline, but wouldn’t hold back when it came to pleasure.

Not that it matters, he’s off limits to me…

So how would I find a partner for these decadent fantasies?  Yeah, don’t roll your eyes and say ‘duh, the Internet’.  It can’t be that simple…can it?

Writing


After becoming frustrated with the sexual limitations within my own life, I was curious about how to change the path I was on.  But I had no idea where to look.  Around me I saw married friends taking lovers, single friends who relied solely on masturbation, some who played in the online underground sexual culture that was there for the taking and others who immersed themselves in pornography.  None of these quite filled the needs I had.

But I found that when reading the written word I was able to visualize all sorts of things.  Things that I probably would be uncomfortable watching on a screen or talking to someone else about.

I could add to the story in my head, embellishing the setting or putting myself in the characters’ place.  Other times, I’d let my imagination run wild and take myself completely out of the limits of the story to places I’d never would have dared explore myself.

Not being able to act on my fantasies in real life, I turned to try writing erotica for myself.  I was amazed the way my forbidden thoughts flowed out of my head and down through my fingertips on to the page.  Suddenly men I would pass in the library became characters in my stories.  I loved their imperfections.  A chipped tooth, nails bitten to the quick, quirky clothing…all of these men were real, they had something that anyone could identify with.  It made them attainable.  It gave my most outrageous fantasy a chance to become real.

When I started posting stories I was surprised at how many of the readers were men.  They were also the ones who provided the most feedback.  Which is a big part of why I decided to set up this site.  I hope that readers start to comment on other readers comments.  I want to watch from the background to see if I can use their thoughts for story ideas, truly identifying with another’s fantasy…

Fantasy


It is incredibly sexy to be writing a story and have the subject sitting beside you (wearing the green sweater that you love on him)…hoping that he will look over your shoulder to see what it is you’re so focused on.  You get to pick up on all sorts of details that you would normally have to imagine.  The way his eyes crinkle when he smiles, the timbre of his laugh, the way you always seem to sit so close to each other…  But then your mind starts to wander and you have to try really hard to pay attention to what he’s saying and not the wetness that’s sprung between your thighs that happens every time you hear his voice…

I think I should steal that sweater so I can wear it when I write…

Short-Fiction.co.uk


Most of these stories were posted on http://www.short-fiction.co.uk first, but I was having trouble keeping up with all the comments and suggestions from readers.

So I wanted to find a forum where I could not only interact with readers and their ideas, but somewhere where the readers could also interact with each other.

I find the idea of working collaboratively with readers very intriguing.  There is something about giving up control of your creation that fascinates me.  Sometimes I find it difficult to separate myself from the characters in the stories, so allowing someone else to have control of their/my fate can be scary.

Hopefully some of the short-fiction readers will take the time to come over here and play…

…exploring my secret self…


I need to get out of this person I’ve become and find myself again.  My heart hurts for the me I’ve left behind.

I’m desperately missing a side of myself that I hope writing will help me find again.

When you read these stories, post whatever thoughts come to mind.  It won’t bother me if you’re comments are critical or crazy, dirty or depraved, as long as I made you feel something.

I need to open myself to the sensual, wanting, side of humanity and grow as a writer.