Trust Issues…?


This week-end I have a date of sorts…so I thought it would be a good time to have full-blown crisis as well.  I’ve met a really nice guy through FetLife.  He’s confident, tall, cocky and funny.  He is also really nice to me.  Extraordinarily nice.

So why am I so suspicious?   Have I just learned over the years to expect less and be distrustful when someone offers me something more?  Is this what couples are normally like?  Texting during the day, talking before bed, complementing one another.  His confidence about the idea of ‘us’ makes my lose my confidence.  We haven’t even met in person yet, what if I don’t live up to his expectations?

I always been somewhat mistrustful of others.  I’ve never been drunk because I don’t want to lose control in front of anyone, not even back in high school.  Same with drugs.  When my girlfriends go out drinking together, I always opt out.  Why?  Is it that I don’t I trust them…or myself?  Even my husband has never seen me drunk or high.  Never.

How sad is it that I don’t have anyone in my life that I would trust to take care of me if I decided to let go and experiment?

Every boyfriend, and even my husband, has ended up cheating on me?  What’s wrong with me?  Why would they do that?  I guess with boyfriends it might have been because I wasn’t ready to have sex when I was in high school, but my husband?  That just sounds to simple and cliché.  It must be more than that?

Now I find myself in a position where I’m going to have to try and trust someone.  And I honestly don’t know if I can.  I know there aren’t any happy endings.

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