Stagnant


stag·nant  –adjective

1.  not flowing or running
2.  stale or foul from standing
3.  characterized by lack of development, advancement, or progressive movement

Yup, that’s me lately.  The question is, what do I do about it?
It’s been almost 15 months since I started this little project of mine, and while I’ve had some great leaps in understanding my needs and my sexuality, I haven’t seen much in the way of long term results.  Essentially, I haven’t been able to find a way to satisfy myself day to day.  Hell, I’d even take month to month at this point.

Things at home haven’t changed.  My husband still struggles with his illness daily and it’s a constant barrier between us.  I try to be as supportive as I can, but I know it doesn’t really help…I can see it in his eyes. The worse thing is, I know how much he hates what it’s made him unto, but he’s powerless to stop it.  He’s not the person he was and I can’t be the person I want to be.  But we try to take care of each other as best we can.

So to save myself from going crazy, I am going to start from scratch again.

I haven’t written anything of worth since late last year, so I’m going to try and post small passages here in the hopes that they evolve into something better.  My professor, who quit teaching to focus on her writing career, has had me proof some of her work and it’s inspiring to see what she’s doing.

I’m also working on rewriting my profile on FetLife.  When I originally signed up last year, I did it so I had a place to turn to if I needed any ‘technical’ type questions answered when I wrote.  Ah, yeah…I didn’t realize that it was like a dating site for those of us of the kinkier persuasion…  Anyway, I’m sick of resisting and I’ve decided to put what I need out there for others to see…for better or worse…

Gulp.

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