Killing Me With Kindness


I wanted to get this posted before I lose the feeling I have.

I told you about my husband losing his job, right?  Well he isn’t taking it very well and they decided to dismiss him 6 weeks early because of all the issues it was causing with his co-workers.  While I always support him, especially publicly, I wasn’t really surprised when this happened last week. His was losing his temper with people for no reason and being very vocal about what he felt was a huge betrayal.

Since we work together it’s very hard for this not to effect me, and potentially effect the people I have to work with since our departments share many projects.  Unfortunately, the person who had to let him go was the subject of my crush (don’t worry, I’ve been very good and stayed professional after I realized it was going nowhere months ago).  Ironically, we are still very good friends and quite close, even though there has been a strain on our relationship since my husband’s bipolar symptoms started bleeding into the workplace.

Anyway, that’s enough background for now.

My past crush (forget it, I’m just going to call him SWC) and I were part of a team to bring audio and E-Books to our school libraries and our final meeting was the other day.  I was a nervous wreck, since this would have been the first time I had seen or talked to him since my husband was dismissed.

The day was going well.  He met me in the hall and took all the heavy equipment out of my arms and then sat beside me throughout the meeting.  We passed notes (no, not that kind!) back and forth while the vendor presentations were going on, but in the back of my mind I kept thinking that there was no way our relationship could stay the same.

So I passed him one last note asking if he could stay late.

Of course, it took forever for everyone to pack up and leave.  And since I’m the Project Leader I had to gather up all the odds and ends that were left behind.

SWC shut down my laptop, wrapping the cords up so carefully and placing everything in my bag.  That was the first thing that made me start to lose my composure.  I know it’s stupid, but it’s so rare for someone to take care of me and my needs that I started to crack a little.

So I just kept my head down and waited for everyone else to leave before I shut the door (oh god, I’m starting to cry again just writing this).

But when I turned to apologize to him for everything that had happened over the last few weeks and saw him looking at me with such sad eyes I just lost it.  He said not too worry that everything between us was still the same.  But I said I wasn’t sure.  I hate the fact that he knows how bad my life at home is…how can he not after everything that has happened?  I don’t want anyone feeling sorry for me and I especially don’t want anyone treating me different, especially him.

He opened his arms and pulled me in for a hug.  We stayed like that for a few minutes, his arms wrapped around me, his chin resting on the top of my head, whispering to me not to cry.  I buried my face in his chest, trying to keep any more tears from falling.

It’s been so long since I’ve felt protected and cherished like that.  So silly, but so true.  I would love to be held like that everyday, even if it is only platonic.  I felt so small and safe in his arms and I had to force myself to pull away.  We talked some more while I busied myself with the last few papers.  He came up behind me and pulled me close again and whispered ‘we’re fine’ in my ear.

He walked me out and then I sat in my car and cried for everything I’ll never have.

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